Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Day 1

April 10, 2012

Ok, let me just start by saying a couple things:
1: I am currently going through a VERY tough time
2: I am not writing this to be depressing. Instead, this is to help me gather my thoughts, and possibly down the road help someone else going through what I am going through

So, on that note, DAY 1 begins…do with it what you will.

I have been married to the most wonderful woman for almost eight years, and we share two beautiful daughters; the three lights of my life!! We have been through ups and downs, like any marriage has and most certainly will. We have been through some very hard times, like my alcoholism, and come through unscathed. She has the patience of Job for sure!! Sure we both have our faults, we are human after all, and I do now and always have loved her deeply(she being one of the stars in my sky), but I haven’t always been the best at SHOWING my love, which is a huge turnaround from TELLING of my love. I see this now.
We have been, and I hate the word, separated, for a little over a month now, and I’m just now truthfully coming to terms with it.
It is hard.
It is the hardest thing anyone ever will deal with. I’ve beat addiction, and it pales in comparison with not being with the one you love.
I have spent too long neglecting what I should have been helping to nourish, and I am more disappointed in myself now than I have ever been!! I have been blind for far too long. I have been a failure. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had a suicidal thought in recent weeks; I have, more than once.
Just how selfish can I be?!
If I could go back and change my past I would. But, that’s in the past. I need to look forward to my future with my children, and God willing, my wife. I need to move from baby steps to, well, much LARGER steps!!
Let me be clear: reuniting with my spouse IS my goal, one that I am from this moment taking more seriously than almost anything else I’ve ever done!!
Also to be clear: I am NOT looking to point blame. People are people, fraught with faults. That means you. That means me. All I can do is show her how much she means to me and how much I love her and want to be with her.
Do I have all the answers? Absolutely not!! What I have is drive, and I really mean that now more than ever. I am fully aware of the faults I have committed in the past month to make things harder for her, when I should have done all I could to make things easier!!
I can only have faith, and hope, and love. I dream every waking moment of holding her in my arms again. I dream of trust, and I dream of a day when my feelings are returned. I can only ask God to show me the right way.
To my wife: I love you so much!! You are a wonderful, special person; a great mother to our girls, and a beautiful soul. You are my everything, and I will never stop loving you.

Today I vow to pray more. God knows what I don’t, and of I ask I know He’ll give me the strength to carry on!!

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Chan-Chan

January 5, 2012

See, a short blog this time: my wife kicks ass above all others!!! Luv ya, sexy babe!!!:)

this is a “title”

January 5, 2012

I feel like writing, just don’t know what about.
I failed miserably in 2010 when I vowed to write a new blog every day…kinda makes me mad at…well, me…
So every now and then I’ll open up my WordPress app on whichever phone I have(think I’m for sure a Crackberry user for life) and jot down some thoughts, some profound, but mainly just drivel…like now;)
I really enjoy writing by the way, it would be fantastic if I could ever finish my short story I’ve been working on for a year(or more). I’d like to try to have it published, but when it comes to critics, I’m my own worst one!!!
Plus, I don’t handle rejection very well…
One redeeming factor, actually the ONLY redeeming factor about my “writing” is my awesome wife and kiddos:) They always tell me to “go for it…you can do anything you set your mind too.”
So, with that in mind, I cannot promise that I’ll “blog” every day, but I sure will start to force myself to at least write some on my novella every day. I owe it to myself!!!
As the wise Jedi Yoda once said: “Do or Do Not, there is no Try”
Words to live by those are, even if you happen to be a….ugh….Trekkie(blech!!!!); so starting tomorrow I vow to put aside at LEAST 30 minutes on my novella!!!
Who knows, maybe in ten years it’ll be done…;)

Time Stands Still For No Parent

December 12, 2011

I’m sitting here watching my kiddos dance around the living room, thinking to myself “How on earth did they get so big?!?!”
My oldest girl, Kai, recently turned five. My youngest girl, B, will be two in two days. They are both such wonderful blessings; they’ve been since the day they were born!
I am so grateful that my wife and I have them in our lives, even if they aren’t always the perfect angels I mostly make them out to be…
Though I am so proud of them and their growing interests and personalities, I sometimes wish they would just stop growing!
I know it’s a part of life, but it does, on a pretty regular basis, make me quite sad. I can’t change the fact that they both will grow up and that one day I might not be their “superhero” anymore, but I always have, and always will, let them know that I will forever be there for them. Someone once told me that just being there is half the battle of being a good parent, and when I look at my girls I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be.

Daddy Moment

September 16, 2011

So, let me start by saying how proud I am of my two wonderful daughters!!!:)
My oldest started pre-k last week and is doing well! She seems to make a new best friend almost every single day:) She is learning so much and proudly displays her arts and crafts made during her school day:) I am currently writing this as she is at dance class(her third year; she is not even five yet!!!). And yes, she still has her spot at the front of the group:)
My youngest, who is rapidly approaching the two year old mark, is the most curious and one of the brightest young child I have ever seen!!!:) She wants to be involved with everything and LOVES to play, dance around the house, and basically do whatever her older sister is doing:) I love the relationship my daughters have together, it really reminds me of mine and my sister’s relationship growing up:)
And of course none of this would be possible without their mother:) I feel very blessed to have such a wonderful, understanding wife, with the biggest heart I have ever witnessed in any individual…EVER!!!:) I could not have asked for a better companion, best friend, and the person whom I plan to spend the rest of my life with!!!
As a mother, she takes the cake!!! Always there for our children; patient, kind, and understanding with them:) When our kiddos make me want to occasionally pull my hair out(as all kids do at some point in time), she is there with a kind word and a quick solution to solve whatever problems come along…basically, I am the luckiest guy in the world!!!!:)
Just wanted to share a few thoughts…thanks for reading:)
And, to my three lovely ladies in my life, I love you all more than I could ever hope to express in mere words:)

please read

July 25, 2011

Recently I have found myself lowering myself to other’s standards, for which I apologize. I try to hold myself to a high standard and I have failed…story: recently I posted that The Tap was voted best karaoke in town in the Maroon Weekly Best in the Brazos Valley survey. As the person running karaoke there on monday nights I was very proud of this and posted this fact on my wall. Ok, let’s get the facts straight: I NEVER said the honor came from the “Best of the Brazos Valley” publication, which votes on the best of the best in numerous categories. Obviously people don’t get their facts straight before they call people liars and claim they’re giving out false information, which has since happened to me. That’s called slander, and I know there are legal ramifications for slander and running someone’s name through the dirt…I appreciate every customer, many who I can call friends, and everyone’s continued support of Rockin’ C Karaoke, and I look forward to many more nights of singing and having a good time, which to me is what karaoke is all about and why I got into the business in the first place!!! So in closing, I apologize for lowering myself to name calling and foul language as has been done to me. Thank you all and please, have a wonderful evening:-)

Scary-ok?

November 19, 2010

So…this will most likely be a not so concise post. I still haven’t completely gathered my thoughts on this subject, as I HATE admitting that I’m afraid and that I may not be in control…i guess I just don’t like facing my own mortality…
See I have a “bone tumor” growing in my left shoulder…actually it’s been there for almost as long as I can remember. It has pushed my scapula out and about into giant proportions. Let me say that I haven’t been pain free also for as long as I can remember. It has recently been brought to my attention that it is approximately an inch ama a half in diameter by two(ish) inches long and it requires immediate surgery. Also, the cancer word haas been thrown my direction and THAT is one is the scariest words I have ever heard…I’m like “damn I’m not even thirty how the fuck can this be a possibility?!?!”
Needless to say I have a million ton load weighing my mind down. I won’t know anything about the cancer results until after surgery and I can’t have surgery until I save up enough cash to pay for it. Thankfully I have the support of countless friends and family members who, in they’re selflessness, are in the planning stages for a benefit to raise the funds. And most of all my wife has been by my side:) she’s been great in her unyielding support!!!
I wish I could think of anything but this…but I can’t. I’m a pessimist at heart and all I can think of is hearing a positive result…then I spiral down into thinking of what the hell will my wife and kids do should something happen to me? The thought of my girls being without their daddy and the love of my life losing a husband tears me apart!!! I’m very thankful for everyone in my life for everything they are doing to help my family and me.
And thanks for putting up with my rambling;)

Growing Pangs

November 4, 2010

So my oldest baby girl is turning FOUR YEARS OLD in less than 24 hours, and honestly I don’t really know how to handle it.
I’m glad that she’s growing up to be a very sweet little lady, but I don’t want these precious days to pass by this quickly…
She’s a wonderful daughter and I’m very proud of her and everything she’s accomplished so far. She’s smart as a whip, the best dancer in her class, she picks up more than most in her music class, and she’s by far the best big sister to my youngest, who by the way, is just as wonderful:)
My youngest will be ONE YEAR OLD in right around a month…i hope she doesn’t reach four as fast as my oldest;)
She’s so proud of her growing sign language skills that my oldest is so proud of helping teach her:) She’s the biggest explorer I know, always being amazed by new experiences!!!
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is we must cherish these years. I call them the “superhero years” because in their eyes we as parents can do anything:) Kill a bug? Sure!!! Play silly games? Why not!!! It seems in their eyes we can practically do no wrong…unless we ask them to clean up their room;)
These years are too fleeting, and I wish my girls could stay young forever in their innocence. I know they have to grow and learn and experience things both good and bad, but I hope they both know I will always be the superhero ready to save the day at the drop of a hat…or a text when they’re old enough…or even, hopefully on a regular basis, a phone call:)

Bummer.0

September 29, 2010

For some reason this time of year always makes me sad…don’t know why:(
Its a happy time of year. Its cooling down, there’s a nice breath of fresh air floating everywhere, everything looks new. All summer we look around us and all we see is a haze. It’s hard to see the road through the waves rolling off the pavement.
Then when the first cool breeze blows through its like it blows away everything bad and replaces it with new hope, a new beginning.
Its a happy time, just not for me…
All I can think of are my daughters. I look at the pictures on the wall of years past and it makes me sad…we play outside and I see how fast they are growing up and how independent they are. I’m a very proud father and I love my girls, but at the same time I wish they would always be my little girls. I know that one day in the not too far future they both will be gone to discover their own adventures; to have their own families. They will watch their children grow and have children, and they in turn will watch them with the same amazement as I watch mine.
I suppose that’s why this time of year makes me sad and nostalgic. It represents change. It represents growth. And most of all it represents newness. I know that nothing stays the same and everything changes, but it still hits me hard. The days are long and the years are short, so we must cherish them as much as possible.

Dunno

September 26, 2010

So what’s going on? I don’t really have much to talk about today but I just kinda feel like putting words to paper…or the digital equivalent…
My oldest daughter stayed with my in laws for the last three nights, the longest she has been away. I just hafta say damn I missed her!!! I know children can be a handful sometimes, but they really are great!!! It was nice being able to spend one on one time with my youngest, though:)
Well its good to have the whole family together this wonderful Sunday. That’s a fact!!!