Archive for April, 2012

Day 1

April 10, 2012

Ok, let me just start by saying a couple things:
1: I am currently going through a VERY tough time
2: I am not writing this to be depressing. Instead, this is to help me gather my thoughts, and possibly down the road help someone else going through what I am going through

So, on that note, DAY 1 begins…do with it what you will.

I have been married to the most wonderful woman for almost eight years, and we share two beautiful daughters; the three lights of my life!! We have been through ups and downs, like any marriage has and most certainly will. We have been through some very hard times, like my alcoholism, and come through unscathed. She has the patience of Job for sure!! Sure we both have our faults, we are human after all, and I do now and always have loved her deeply(she being one of the stars in my sky), but I haven’t always been the best at SHOWING my love, which is a huge turnaround from TELLING of my love. I see this now.
We have been, and I hate the word, separated, for a little over a month now, and I’m just now truthfully coming to terms with it.
It is hard.
It is the hardest thing anyone ever will deal with. I’ve beat addiction, and it pales in comparison with not being with the one you love.
I have spent too long neglecting what I should have been helping to nourish, and I am more disappointed in myself now than I have ever been!! I have been blind for far too long. I have been a failure. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had a suicidal thought in recent weeks; I have, more than once.
Just how selfish can I be?!
If I could go back and change my past I would. But, that’s in the past. I need to look forward to my future with my children, and God willing, my wife. I need to move from baby steps to, well, much LARGER steps!!
Let me be clear: reuniting with my spouse IS my goal, one that I am from this moment taking more seriously than almost anything else I’ve ever done!!
Also to be clear: I am NOT looking to point blame. People are people, fraught with faults. That means you. That means me. All I can do is show her how much she means to me and how much I love her and want to be with her.
Do I have all the answers? Absolutely not!! What I have is drive, and I really mean that now more than ever. I am fully aware of the faults I have committed in the past month to make things harder for her, when I should have done all I could to make things easier!!
I can only have faith, and hope, and love. I dream every waking moment of holding her in my arms again. I dream of trust, and I dream of a day when my feelings are returned. I can only ask God to show me the right way.
To my wife: I love you so much!! You are a wonderful, special person; a great mother to our girls, and a beautiful soul. You are my everything, and I will never stop loving you.

Today I vow to pray more. God knows what I don’t, and of I ask I know He’ll give me the strength to carry on!!